Humor - Handyman's Vocabulary

[Tom Farnam]

For all you handymen (and women) out there:


DRILL PRESS: a tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching whatever it is you are trying to pierce and spinning it around to whack you in the chest.



SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.



PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters.



BELT SANDER: An electric time saving device commonly used to convert small touch up jobs into major refinishing jobs.



ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: used most effectively for perforating something behind the original intended target object.



VISE GRIPS: generally used after pliers to finish rounding off bolt heads. Also used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



WELDING GLOVES: heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



TABLE SAW: a large stationary power tool used to launch wood projectiles helpful in testing wall integrity.



TROUBLE LIGHT: Used to burn through 40 watt bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells were used in the opening hours of the Battle of the Bulge. Also helpful in delivering electric shock therapy to any mechanic attempting to use the accessory plug located in the base.



PHILIPS SCREWDRIVER: normally used to punch holes in vacuum seals under screw tops but also useful, as the name implies, in stripping out Philips screw heads.



STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: primarily used for opening paint cans but can also be used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.



PRY BAR: a tool used to crumple the expensive metal surrounding the clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



HAMMER: a kind of divining rod used to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object of intended impact.



MECHANIC'S KNIFE: used to open cardboard boxes and inadvertently slice the contents therein; works best on liquids in plastic bottles, collectable magazines, and refund checks. Can also be useful in removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.


DAMMIT: any handy tool that you can grab and throw across the garage while screaming "dammit" at the top of your lungs. It is usually the first tool needed after using a really big hammer.